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The World Cup, 2002
It's the tournament of a lifetime, especially if you only live for four years.
Tensions are already running high as all the nations of the world prepare for the great battle of
2002 — the World Cup. Who will win? Who will lose? Who will care? Here is
all you need to know, so settle down with a TV dinner and
an ice-cold bottle of your favorite meths and enjoy the spectacle!
The Location
The matches are played in Japan and South Korea, just off the North East coast of Scotlandshire.
Certain areas have been earmarked as ideal locations for matches, as shown below, although
they may occur anywhere or at any time, even another continent. For those who can't make it to Japan,
giant TV screens are being erected at the bottom of the world's deepest ocean.
Note: North Korea is shown in gray as it is north of the Axis of Evil and no man has been there.
The Teams
Each country is allowed to deploy up to fifteen thousand crack squads of Neanderthals to each location.
These semi-aware ape-like creatures have been specially trained in the art of:
- Unprovoked verbal abuse
- Sneering
- Loud taunting
- Pretending it's not them
For the last four years every nation on earth has played every other nation, and the teams have been whittled
down to just the best 650. Using a complex random algorithm they have been organized into groups:
| Group A |
| Northern Ireland |
| England |
| Irish Republic |
| Libya |
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| Group B |
| China |
| Tibet |
| Taiwan |
| Nepal |
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| Group C |
| Russia |
| USA |
| Chechen Rep. |
| Gallifrey |
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| Group D |
| Pakistan |
| India |
| Vatican City |
| Afghanistan |
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| Group E |
| Israel |
| Saudi Arabia |
| Palestinian Ter. |
| Iraq |
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| Group F |
| Albania |
| Yugoslavia |
| Serbia |
| Iran |
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Note: Following a recent decision by FIFA
in conjunction with the World Trade Organization,
players representing Third World countries will have their boots replaced
by children's clogs.
Tactics
As any plump school boy will tell you, there are as many different tactics in this game
as there are atoms in the Universe — and that's a lot of tactics!
We have asked three opposing team coaches to describe their strategies.
Tommy 'Spud' Potato, England
"We intend to deploy a 4-2-4 arrangement. I'll have four hundred skinheads waiting
on the north side of the square, and a similar number on the other side. When the
opposing team begin to pile out of the bars we'll utilize our mindless taunting skills
first and foremost. After than we will move on to incomprehensible singing with
violent gesticulations, and
if that doesn't penetrate their defence we can always fall back on basic racist abuse. It's an old
system but it works."
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Gepetto Boggle, Italy
"Bene, è un gioco di due metà vedete i nostri lads sarete verso l'esterno là darlo tutto have.
Got e se non veniamo via con il trophy alla conclusione del giorno che saremo compagno sventrato, sventrato."
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Saddam Finklestein, Iraq
"We're not playing. Last time someone stole our ball."
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Order of Play
Note: games shown in italics are slightly fancier; games shown in bold have more conviction.
Those teams who make it to the end of the tournament have the chance to
enter the two semi-finals, an awesome pair of spectacles which once belonged to Elton John.
And then comes the grand final, in which seven hundred naked men perform favorite songs from Oaklahomo.
According to tradition the winning team will be murdered in a gang war and will sadly never get to hold aloft
the World Cup for which they fought so valiantly.
The tournament ends with a fantastic display of fireworks and broken bottles.
This year the authorities promise to clamp down harshly on aberrant behavior, although
unfortunately it is thought that some spontaneous football may break out occasionally.
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