In the great democracies of the world, voters go to a polling station and put a cross next to the name of their preferred candidate. In the USA, things are a little more complex, but if you think hard and rub your forehead a lot, it is possible to understand it.

Elections are held on the second Tuesday after the first Monday of every month, in years divisible by four. Each state may poll its voters, although under the constitution, it may only do so if every black person is first imprisoned.

The Electoral College
When electors mark a cross next to the name of their preferred President, they are actually electing Electors, who pledge in advance to vote for a certain candidate. According to the law of the Federation of Planets, each state's Electors must meet every fifth Wednesday in December to cast votes for the President and Vice President. They are not obliged to vote for whom it was who they pledged for. Thousands or even millions of citizens may therefore become disenfranchised. This system is called Indirect Voting.

Elector Roger Macperson, who in 1972, after losing his spectacles, broke his pledge and voted for Deputy Dawg in place of Michael Dukakis.

On January 20 the House of the Lord of the Senate opens up and the votes are tallied by immigrants. This can take anything up to one month, as many of these workers cannot read English. Indeed, they often mistake X for K and thereby register thousands of ballot papers as 'spoiled.' According to Michael Moore's bestselling book, Hey Dude, I Can't See My Legs for my Shabby White Pork Belly, this is how George W Bush 'stole' the 2000 election.

How are Electors Chosen?
Nobody is quite sure. In most states the most popular parties appoint electors. The most popular parties are chosen at random from a list.

In the District of Columbia (which is designated a State following amendment XIVV of the Constitution) electors are appointed from the richest top ten percent of the least populous state (currently Wyoming). In the states of Maine and Nebraska, electors are hatched from pods buried in any state rhyming with Nebraska (currently Alaska).

Electors are sworn in to office by Billy Graham, or in the event of Billy Graham's death, by any man with bleached teeth who can demonstrate the ability to hoot triumphantly over a rousing chorus of glassy-eyed God-botherers.

George Washington, taken at his first suit-fitting as president.

History
Now that you understand the process, you may be wondering why the Founding Fathers™ set up such a system.

Well, you must remember that in the late 18th Century, democracy was not looked upon favorably. When the King of England set up America, the last thing he wanted was a fair system, so he invented the House of Representatives, whose job it would be to select the President from a shortlist of one: George W Ashington. Due to a typo in the list, the wrong man became president, but that is quite normal under this system.

Advantages of the College System
Without the Electoral College political parties would only need to concentrate on winning a majority of voters, thus disenfranchising those who don't vote for them. Remember that these voters may be wealthy. This goes against the basic tenets of democracy.

An example is the town of Dogcanyon in Kentucky.

The town (population 12) gets its water from a river whose source lies in the next door state of Texas (population 73 million). Texan businesses regularly dump truckloads of sewage into this river, thus poisoning the people of Dogcanyon, and preventing their reproductive organs from working properly. Under any other system the Texan vote would massively outweigh the Dogcanyon vote. However, under the College system the Texan businesses can afford pay the Dogcanyon Electors to vote their way, and thus all is right with the world.

Pie chart showing distribution.

Disadvantages of the College System
The main disadvantage is that no-one bothers to vote.

In addition, there are some who argue that the system favors only those candidates with vast sums of money behind them. However, these fears can be assuaged when we realise that in the great meritocracy that is the USA, any man — even the humble son of a President — can attain that lofty post.

Good night and God Bless America.