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Afghanistan — A Short Guide
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Factofile: Afghanistan
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Population
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20 million
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Capital City
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Kabul
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Area
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200m square hectares (250km2)
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Main exports
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Opium (99%), Dust (1%)
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Climate
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Nippy
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Religion
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Data unavailable
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Currency
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No
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GDP
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3
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Highest point
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Arid Mountain (7203m)
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Lowest point
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Valley of Aridity (7202m)
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Twinned with
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Cherbourg
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Afghanistan is a troubled land. Having seen over 250 years of continual war, the country is literally ravaged from end to end. But did you know that it contains the world's oldest mountains? Did you know that it is home to the world's most disturbing cave paintings? Thought not.
Where in the World is Afghanistan?
Situated at the very epicenter between the Middle East and Far East, Afghanistan stands at the very epicenter of the World's greatest trade routes, ancient and modern.
 It is the epicentral nature of the land that has been its downfall. In 406BC Genghis Khan opened up the Great Milk Route between Shanghai and Tripoli: vast pipelines for pumping fresh milk were constructed right across the country. This system brought much prosperity until c.200BC when Libya declared war after builders had accidentally connected Kandahar's main sewage outlet to the milk system.
But help was at hand: Alexander the Great rode an elephant across the entire northern range of mountains, laying waste settlements and raising thousands for charity. His path was followed by Chinese, Mongolian and Persian conquerors. Later the Romans built stuff.
Political History
At the dawn of time, Afghanistan consisted of rival tribes, settled peacefully in distinct regions of the country. In 1747 a priest named Ahmad Durrani consolidated these tribes, forming one great nation under a multicultural constitution. In 1748 a British Army Officer named Joseph Tufty-Balfour took a small force into the Afghan Kingdom from British India, reporting back:
Upon querying one of the menfolk in English, we were treated to infantile gesticulations of the most unmannered kind. They appeared to be intent on misunderstanding our simplest commands. One of my men apprehended some darkie and demanded his shoes be cleaned by morning. To our astonishment this failed to transpire and so we shot the fellow in the ear. [...] It is my recommendation that your Lordship send a battalion to secure this place for the felicitous transferral of goods from those reaches of the Yellow Kingdom we haven't yet fucked over.
The following year, some sixteen thousand British troops were slaughtered in the Khyber Pass by almost twenty Afghan villagers. This battle was later dramatized in the British film "Carry on up the burkha."
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The map of Afghanistan as redrawn by the British, c1872.
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British Rule
For the next hundred years Britain attempted to install a Government in the capital of Kabul, finally succeeding in 1870 when they destroyed Kabul and moved the capital to the new town of Lashkar in the south. The newly-appointed "Viceroy of Lashkar and His Majesty's Colony of Edwardistan" was later murdered by rebels. This was to lead Prime Minister Lord Asquith to comment "I wash my hands of this Kingdom of savages and brutes."
 The Russians Move In
Life in Afghanistan returned to normal for ninety years, the growth of Communist tribes going unnoticed. By 1977 several of these tribes had gained support in the north of the country, whilst the main towns descended into Anarchy caused by the loss of the poppy harvest for the second year running.
The USSR saw its chance, and in November 1978 red tanks rolled into Kabul. Like the British however, the Soviets were to discover what a formidable sleeping dog they had trodden on the tail of. Armed with only primitive stones, spears and 700 billion dollars' worth of American military hardware, the Afghans all but destroyed the Russian army. In 1988 President Gorbachev gave the order to pull out, leaving two tribes fighting internally for power: the Thatcherites and the Taliban. The former were considered too hardline, whilst popular support grew for the latter.
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Not one of their biggest sellers.
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Who were the Taliban?
A loose collection of hardline Islamismist students under the enigmatic leadership of one-eyed Scot Mullah Kintyre, the Taliban brought stability to a nation craving stability. However, they also brought more puritanical laws than the State of Texas: music and dance were forbidden, public executions took place in laundrettes, and Chicken McNuggets came without a choice of sauce.
A Brighter Future?
History is still being written in this troubled part of the world. One thing is for certain: whoever writes it uses a bloody pen.
But let us be optimistic: from the rubble some new hope may spring. As TS Eliot said:
What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow
Out of this stony rubbish?
I wish the wife
Would clear the dustbin bags
Away
For a change
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